Tuesday, November 08, 2005

At Least I'm Not Swinging A Hammer!

Before I get to this totally enlightening post, I want to state that I will be showing this Francis Ford Coppola pic on every entry until I don't feel exactly like that.


I am basically treading water down here in Florida. I have no cohorts down here. I have no money. I have no drive except the one that tells me to get out of here. I'm basically living in a sloth like state. Ideas come and go, yet I stare into space. "Do I want to start a project?" "What's the point?" Of course, I do want to take this on like a job, but I feel very out of sort with knowing I'm moving and making a film up in NJ, and it's contrasting with my anemic life down here to kind of leave me floating somewhere in purgatory. Which way do I go? I just feel I'm being distracted from my work with other concerns. I think I should just focus on Generator, and finish everything I can with regards to that film. Be totally prepared for the shoot. Make a budget sheet, finally finish my stinking storyboards and stuff like that. But it's that writer in me who is balking at this idea. "You don't write, you cease to be a writer! Muhahahaha!" I am so paranoid when I'm not writing. I feel like by not writing every single day, I am wasting away. That was the main problem with me storyboarding. I thought of it as beneath my writing. (Not being able to draw worth a lick has something to do with it too) I should just whip myself back into shape and realize that Generator should be first and foremost. A lot depends on it.

And maybe that's the real problem I'm having-knowing that my entire life depends on making this, or else I'm a failure. I left everything behind in order to make movies-my job, my family, my girlfriend, my friends-and maybe I'm just afraid of taking that last step to where there is no turning back. Where I am forced to run the show, keep paperwork in order, make cuts, direct actors, stay up editing at night, dealing with the disappointment when something doesn't work, buying the equipment-doing all this, and then finding out my film sucks...and being devastated.

I have to fight through this growing malaise and fucking focus.


Grubber said...

I can appreciate the fear JD, wife and I are thinking of going into business and backing ourselves for once.

You are just doing the same thing.....backing yourself.

Why not try doing a no-brainer job in the mornings....washing dishes. whatever, and maybe by the time you leave that job at lunchtime(or whatever timeframe works) you are soooooooooooooo keen to get writing or storyboarding or whatever.....anything, other than what the hell you were doing that morning, you might start to feel better about it.

Whatever happens, I hope it all works out for you.

One thing I can say for certain.

You don't get very far playing it safe in life. ;-)

John Donald Carlucci said...

I know we're Florida-buddies JD and sharing this particular slice of Hell. Finding motivation in the suckhole is tough, more when you know you have a bigger life out there.

I lost my way for a bit, but am back on track to going back to LA in the first quarter of next year. Just keep your eye on the horizon man. Even if your film were to tank, you have more to do. It's what we do. This is our lives and I won't want it any other way.


Matt Reynolds said...

Keep your sights fixed and trained on your feature. Keep rewriting that script. And don't tell me it's done. You're a writer. It's never finished! Hoo-Rah.

Tim Clague said...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We all go through these thoughts every now and again. It always comes down to the same thing - dreaming about it is always better than doing it. In a way writing is dreaming about the great finished film. You need to see it through.

If you are a writer - then just do the writing.
If you are a film maker - make the film.

Isn't that what its all about? If you don't want to do it then don't. No need beating yourself up over it. Concentrate on your key skills and talent and success will be quicker and easier.

Apologies for the blunt nature of the comment. But sometimes a challenge to your position helps.