The Screenplay Contest-Why Bother?

I have entered about 10 screenplay competitions in the last 4 years. And each and every time I enter, the results come back the same. Half the people absolutely love my work. The other half tear it to shreds. Without fail, this relegates my screenplay into middling territory. Purgatory, if you will. (I did finish in the top 10 twice which makes the bad reviews hurt even more) This isn't a one or two time occurrence. It's just about unanimous. I've tried to write more mainstream stuff but my writing ends up going somewhere darker than I intended. And while I love black humor, many don't get it, or just don't like it. One more disappointment and I'm going all out writing Failure to Launch II. Fuck it.

So the time is near. To enter or not to enter? I'm leaning towards not entering anything except the Nickelodeon fellowship. Which reminds me...I had better get that The Office script going.

I'll leave my readership (two people, including me) with this question: Which screenplay contests are worth the hassle? Like risk vs reward sort of thing? Because, dude, I'm not made of green and I've been eating Ramen noodles for weeks now.

A Better Way To Elect A President

Since this two party system rarely displays the democratic process the way it was envisioned, here is my new and improved presidential test.

10 questions:

10. Do you belong to any secret societies such as the Skull and Bones? If yes, you're out of the race.
9. Do you belong, or know anyone who belongs to the trilateral commission? If yes, you're out.
8. Do you or your spouse make more than $500,000 in a single year? Yes? Out!
7. Free health care for all? No, or anything aside from a straight up yes, and you're out!
6. Do your religious beliefs inform your decisions on policy at all? Yes? Goodbye.
5. Do you endorse a national i.d. card? Yes and you're gone.
4. Do you consider Saudi Arabia a good friend of America? Yes, and your oil loving ass can live there full time.
3. Have you ever smoked dope, been arrested or gotten a DWI(not necassarily in the same night)? No, and you're out.
2. Do you support the legalization of most drugs? No? buh-bye
1. Electric cars for all? Answers of no, talk of hybrids... or hydrogen fuel... and you're done.

And your 2008 President is..................0 results. Enjoy Hillary as a substitute!

I Here A Bare Braking Into My Home

I'm not an illiterati, however I do tend to misspell words when I'm typing fast and furiously at the keyboard. My mistakes are normally the contextual type, such as hear/here or bare/bear. It's not that I don't know the differences between the two, it's that I'm often typing how the word sounds and not paying attention. Sometimes there are two words that are very confusing in how they're used. So I offer this link, Common Errors In English, to all who may share this affliction. It's a quick one page listing of all odd ball phrases or spellings of words, as well as the two words that sound the same but are otherwise by no means similar. It works nicely as a quick reference page. Especially when you're knee deep into a screenplay and want the quickest possible information.

Progress Bars Or: How I Began Feeding My Narcissism

Ever since David and his blog Man Bytes Hollywood informed the bloggernet in June '05 (actually even earlier than that)that we could track our progress through cool color bars, we've been strapped to the nines full of 'em. Hell, at one point I had eight separate progress bars on my blog.

Well, here I have some spanking new progress bars to show off...despite the fact that there isn't really any progress to display. The act of adding these to my blog reminds me of the famous Tyler Durden quote in Fight Club. "Self improvement is just masturbation". In this case the quote should read "Self acknowledgment is just masturbation". What have I accomplished? Nothing. Yet here I am showing my "nothing" to the world in fancy crimson blood percentage points. As you take a gander and marvel at my works which are tantamount to failures, please remember to feed the monster on the way out.

Blood Recipe

For those that asked.

1 c. Karo Syrup

1 Tbsp Water

2 Tbsp Red Food Coloring

1 tsp Yellow Food Coloring

You may want to fiddle with a little blue to add some different variations on color. You could go Italian horror style, bright red, or more modern dark red.

Humans Fit To Eat

Humans are the dopiest species on the planet. Accomplishing two tasks at once seems almost an impossibility. I mean, really, if I see one more middle aged woman driving an SUV over three lanes of traffic with a cell phone glued to her ear I may just go off. However, there is nothing worse these days than wiggers. How many punk wiggers do I have to get the stare down from? I'm walking in Macy's (horrifying as that is) and this douche decides he's going to play chicken with me. He walks by, hat cocked, like he's built of granite, though he weighs 105 soak and fucking wet. And I have to make the emasculating choice of swaying my shoulder out of his shoulders path so that I can have a peaceful afternoon at my home instead of a break down in a holding cell. I hear his muttering under his breath as he makes for the exterior doors. A twinge in my neck tells me I should have squashed that punk. Yet, here I am being the bigger man, both figuratively and literally. I probably have three inches on the kid, and I'd venture a guess, a legit 150lbs.

Now the question is should I have strangled the kid until he was purple like I wanted, or did I do the right thing? And if I did do the right thing, why do I feel like it's oh so wrong? This is the reason the club scene is off limits for me. Guys are so idiotic, posturing like we're cave men in a cave clan. And I know that I can't resist it for a full night, because after all, I am man, and deep down, I'm a stupid douchebag as well. I suppose I just control my idiocy, but being out in this world today for me is akin to those old fake snake in a can pranks (Snakes in a can!). I have a lid on my primal tendencies but at any moment the lid will pop off and some yellow and black velvety snake will come out and give someone a well deserved heart attack.

And let me say this now: young white girls are just about as stupid as can be. Sure, they've always been naive, how else would guys get laid so early and often? But now, not only do young white girls think the hip hop culture is theirs, they play it out to the hilt. They dress like the fucking men for shit sake! The cocked Yankees cap, the crooked peace sign, the sweats around their ankles, you know the style. And listen, as a guy speaking here, if I were 18 again, I wouldn't care. But looking at it now, I just shudder to think that these girls will have children some day, probably sooner than later, and the kid will be walking around sagging. Probably because the diaper is full, but you get the point.

I can only imagine how black dudes feel. Not about the dopey white girls, because I know how they feel about them (easy pickens). But these white guys who make a mockery of the hip hop culture. I wonder if they have the feelings I have, torture scenes included? Or do they respect these punks? I have no clue.

Maybe because I'm just another dumb white man.